Clinician Insights
Justin Phillips
Family Dynamics During the Holidays
The holidays are here. Hopefully, this brings images of turkey, presents, hot cider, and Jingle Bells to your mind; however, there's a pattern that I always see during this time of year in my therapy clients. When my child clients walk into my office, they're excited, telling me about being out of school and what Santa will bring them and about seeing their third cousin on their mom's side, but when my adults walk into my office, it's a different story. They're often stressed about the holidays and not looking forward to seeing family they haven't seen in a year. Why the shift? At what point does it switch from excitement to anxiety? From joy to dread? At what point does family go from being the source of comfort to a source of pain? A significant portion of therapy is processing growth that must occur to move through pain from our families. In our day-to-day lives, we must show up as our best selves in our current circles. When this is presented to families we see once a year, it may not translate as easily. I think this is one of the most challenging parts of the holidays to grapple with - the grief that often accompanies us when we reflect & consider how we've changed about our family of origin.
Why is this? Isn't family supposed to be your safe space? Isn't it the place you go to be welcomed and loved? The place to kick your shoes off and get comfortable? For some people, yes, absolutely; the family is all that and more. For others, family may be quite the opposite. Family might mean that you have to put on a mask of happiness or contentment. You may walk in the door and be required to be someone opposite of who you are. Instead of getting a warm and cozy feeling around your family, you walk on eggshells and count down to when it's time to return home. Many people who have spent time away from home can see a gap between the person they were when they lived with their family and who they are now. Most clients I see in therapy are there to discuss something related to their family of origin, directly or indirectly. Many therapy clients come to therapy every week and experience massive growth and change. Still, when the topic of seeing family over the holidays comes up, they shrink back into who they once were, perhaps even a version of themselves I've never met. These clients spend the entire year in therapy, dealing with these feelings, memories, and patterns, and then at the holidays, it is the ultimate test of all the work they've done. They often ask themselves if what they've learned in therapy will be enough to cope with whatever awaits them at the holiday gathering. Family is powerful; it shapes us for better or worse, and the holidays are a stark reminder of everything a family has been to us for our entire lives. They can represent an annual opportunity to present that year's version of yourself to your family. Maybe you're going back to your family and now hold differing beliefs and values than those of your family, whether religious or political; these can create some very tense conversations, especially if it's election season. Maybe there has been a role shift in your family; growing up, you may have been the peacekeeper mediating all the conflicts, and you've grown into a much more assertive version of yourself. Your family won't know what to do with you now! It may be challenging to stay in the version of yourself you are proud of and have developed over time. Roles can also change in big ways if there has been any significant loss in the family. Maybe your grandmother was the one that held everyone together at her house every year, and now, since she's gone, it's time for your house to be the one everyone comes to celebrate. Maybe unresolved tensions are lingering in your family after decades. Perhaps you had a massive fight with your sister in 10th grade that neither of you got over, but it's just been swept under the rug and is now the elephant in the room. Maybe you come from a blended family, and coordinating plans gets a little awkward because your parents haven't spoken in ten years. Maybe walking into your family's house comes with its own set of spoken or unspoken expectations. These can be related to life stages or milestones such as marriage or having children. Maybe your family thinks, and has let you know they think, you should be married by age 35 with two kids and a dog, but you're living your best life single in a studio in the city with a cat. How do you handle the weight of this when sitting across the dinner table at Thanksgiving?
These are all questions I explore with my therapy clients during this time every year. Permit yourself to set boundaries with your family this holiday season, even if that isn't the norm. Embrace growth and change; feel free to say "no" when necessary. Setting boundaries might even mean staying home or doing something entirely different for yourself this year. The holidays are meant to be full of joy, food, and Jingle Bells; do whatever it takes to be sure your personal holiday season is no different.
Bethany Morse
Anger
Anger is an emotion that all of us experience. However, the ways that we experience anger can vary greatly from person to person. Generally speaking, the difference between healthy anger and problem anger is what we choose to do with it. As we become aware of our thoughts and beliefs in an anger-producing situation, we can learn to reframe our response. This allows us to cope with anger in a healthier way. If you experience frequent anger, take heart in knowing that anger is not “bad.” Rather, anger is an emotion that can signal to us our deeper values and desires.
Bethany Morse
Depression
Depression is often experienced through the symptoms of low mood, lack of energy, loss of interest in regularly enjoyed activities, social withdrawal, sadness, and trouble sleeping (just to name a few). Depression is one of the most common mental health issues and it is often associated closely with anxiety. In fact, people who experience depression often experience anxiety, as well. Many people find relief from their depression through therapy, lifestyle changes, medication, and other coping strategies. If you, or a loved one, are struggling with depression, try speaking with a therapist for personalized help and care.
Bethany Morse
Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is a form of anxiety that presents symptoms in social settings or interactions. In the case of someone with this type of anxiety, what might seem like a normal part of life can produce extreme distress. Oftentimes, social anxiety can manifest itself in significant time spent worrying about upcoming interactions and beating oneself up for past interactions. The good news is, it is possible to decrease social anxiety! Some helpful practices include: mindfulness/meditation, getting curious about the root of the anxiety, focusing on what you know to be true rather than on assumptions, and exposure to anxiety-producing situations.
Kellie Curb
Panic Attacks
The body has an internal alarm system known as the fight or flight system. This system exists to keep us safe—alerting us when it (specifically, the Amygdala) senses that we are in danger. This system, while helpful to keep us alert, faster, and stronger when we need to survive in a dangerous circumstance, can mistakenly label situations that are not a threat as a threat. During a panic attack—or “false alarm” in which the fight or flight system is engaged—unpleasant sensations occur as a result of adrenaline coursing through the body, and when we become afraid of these sensations, we can enter into a cycle of panic. This can often lead to an avoidance of situations in which we have previously felt these sensations, and an overall heightened state of anxiety.
Kellie Curb
Self-Esteem
Our feelings toward our own abilities, accomplishments, and bodies, as well our level of respect for ourselves make up our self-esteem. Additionally, we have a positive and a negative radio station we tune into daily. When we have listened to the negative radio station (or negative thoughts about ourselves—reinforced or unreinforced by others) for the majority of our lives, it is familiar, and can even be background noise that we do not realize is playing. However, with practice and the right guidance, we can learn to recognize when the bad radio station is prominent, and tune into the positive radio station and transform how we feel about ourselves into a positive light.